jon methven

Why did the company switch providers?
With the rising cost of healthcare and the economic recession, we could not afford to cover employees under the old plan.  Guppy QuickCare is a sound provider with a track record of offering affordable, inventive health coverage.

Where is Guppy QuickCare’s corporate headquarters?
We’re not sure.  Somewhere in the Yukon Territories maybe.

On my paycheck, where it used to show medical and dental deductions, now it shows BAI.  What is BAI and what is it for?
BAI stands for Bear Attack Insurance.  It’s insurance in case you get attacked by a bear(s).

What about regular medical, dental, vision and prescription drug coverage?
Every year, a dozen or so Americans are attacked by bears.  The lucky ones are eaten alive.  But the unlucky ones suffer scars and/or deformities that lead to medical, dental and vision ailments, many of which require prescription drugs.  Guppy QuickCare’s state-of-the-art coverage allows you to make informed decisions about your health, should you be attacked by a bear(s).

But we live in Manhattan.  What good is bear attack insurance?
It’s good because it’s cheap.  But also because it’s diversified.  As you’ll note on pg. 207 of your benefits package, Guppy QuickCare’s trained bear attack healthcare professionals have crafted three levels of support to allow you to choose the bear attack coverage that works best for you and your family. Level 1 ($150 deductible) covers your basic bear attacks − Grizzly, Polar, Black. Level 2 ($300) covers Level 1 along with Gobi and Panda attacks. Level 3 ($450), the Guppy QuickCare Deluxe Package, covers all bear attacks regardless of species.

Is the company still offering matching 401k contributions?
We’ve run out of Styrofoam coffee cups.  We’re forecast to run out of coffee by the end of the first fiscal quarter.

Are family members covered under this plan?
All dependents attacked by a bear(s) are eligible for coverage, provided no one provoked the bear(s), or tried to feed the bear(s), or were irresponsibly handling fish or honey near the bear(s), or knowingly ventured into bear-populated territory without a weapon.  Also, if you or your dependents tried to kill a bear(s) and missed, well, fair game for the bear(s).

Does this plan cover visits to out-of-network physicians?
Typically when a bear(s) attack occurs, patients settle for the first physician, Boy Scout Troop or wandering transient that stumbles across them.

How broke is our company?
Running on fumes.  It was either Guppy QuickCare or PetInsure of Idaho.  The pet people wanted a $25 co-pay. 

I suffer from diabetes, cancer, glaucoma, high blood pressure, enlarged colon, pregnancy, other ailment − what type of extended medical coverage can I expect?
None.  Take some time to familiarize yourself with the “Legal Statutes” of your benefits package (pgs. 301-377).  Employees with serious medical conditions are reminded not to go wandering off into the woods with open food hoping to get attacked by a bear, thus duping Guppy QuickCare into footing the bill.  Bear attacks do not cause diabetes or pregnancy.  And Guppy QuickCare’s trained bear attack healthcare professionals can tell the difference between an enlarged colon as a result of natural causes, and an enlarged colon as a result of a bear attack.

What type of long-term disability does this plan cover?
If you’re planning to suffer an injury during a bear attack that will require you to miss more than five days of work, we advise you not to struggle and allow the bear(s) to finish eating.  Guppy QuickCare keeps the deductibles low because it only pays a maximum coverage of $7,700. Once the bear does $7,700 worth of damage, best to stop kicking and accept your lot in the food chain.

What about life insurance?
Should you or any of your dependents be eaten alive during a bear attack, hunters will be dispatched to settle all scores.

Can we purchase co-insurance to supplement this coverage?
Cougar Attack Insurance (CAI) is available for an additional $17 deductible, although it must be used in conjunction with your BAI protection.


Jon Methven lives in New York City with his wife and son. His most recent work has appeared in Timothy McSweeney's Internet Tendency and Hooky Express.