SUBMISSION GUIDELINES
dan moreau

The Warbler Review prides itself on publishing new and established artists we only pretend to have heard of or admire. Past contributors include writers who use middle initials, two first initials, and/or a middle name that sounds like a first name.
           Our publishing cycle follows the lunar calendar. New issues appear on the first full moon of March. We read from September to May on every other Tuesday of the month. Submissions received outside that period or on non-waxing moon days will be rejected with extreme prejudice.
           Submissions not about drugs, Montana, or containing the words “lilac blossoms” in them will be rejected outright. In the event of a deadlock we choose the submission that doesn’t start with the word “The” or “Vagina” as in “The Vagina” or “My Vagina.”
           Manuscripts should be double-spaced, single-sided, consecutively numbered, and stapled—preferably to a hundred dollar bill. We also accept manuscripts printed on the blank side of your company’s quarterly report which we may find more interesting than your submission and which we may publish to the detriment of what little professionalism remains in your lackluster career.
            The forever stamps from the SASEs we receive will be steamed off and used for our own bill paying, submissions to other journals, and birthday cards sent to our grandmother who doesn’t use e-mail. If you haven’t heard back within three months, assume your submission has been lost, shredded and recycled, used as a coaster, or stuffed to the bottom of a drawer. Please, no queries unless they’re of the lurid kind which we’ll happily answer. For genre-specific guidelines see below.
           Poetry: poems should be opaque and contain words like “vellum,” “pellucid,” and “oneiric.” Punctuation is optional. We like magnetic poetry especially if the magnets get jumbled in the mail. Free verse isn’t free. Someone should put that on a bumper sticker.
            Fiction: no sci-fi, no vampires, no aliens, no horror, no romance, no westerns, no erotica, no shoes, no shirt, no service, no pirate stories, no dead uncle stories, no dead horses stories, no dead dog stories, no break-up stories, no morning-after stories, no staring out of windows stories, no and-then-everything-seemed-different stories, no guy-walks-into-a-bar-and-meets-all-kinds-of-interesting-characters stories, no walking-down-the-beach stories, no office place stories, no American-abroad-casting-a-superior-gaze-on-the-locals stories, no and-that’s-why-I’m-so-fucked-up stories, no road trip stories, no experimental stories, no written-as-submission-guidelines stories.
            Payment: not possible at this time but we agree it’s a good idea.

 

Dan Moreau’s work appears in McSweeney's Internet Tendency, William and Mary Review, and Red Cedar Review.