EXCERPTS FROM ANIMAL FACEBOOK
Groundhog is chillin’. Groundhog is sultrifying in the dandelions of August. Groundhog is contemplating cheese. Groundhog wonders exactly what Mr. 30 Wallace Road thinks he’s doing when he runs the hose into my burrow. Groundhog is hello auxiliary exits! Groundhog is paunch pride. Groundhog is thankful for unprotected vegetable gardens, de-clawed cats and Tolstoy (War & Peace, yo!). Groundhog wishes he had Gene Simmons’s tongue and Richard Simmons’s enthusiasm. Groundhog is since when do have-a-heart traps actually have hearts? Groundhog is loving Granny Groundhog’s shrill whistles of alarm and how she keeps mistaking the mulch pile for a bear. Groundhog is cracking up. Groundhog is my compost burrow shall here forth be known as the Thunderdome. Groundhog is that’s what I’m talkin’ ‘bout, alfalfa! Groundhog is wishing my Bed, Bath & Beyond coupons weren’t all expired.
Cat is WTF? Cat is oh no you didn’t just touch my dewclaw. Cat is where the f-ck is the sun? Cat is pissed. Cat is melancholy. Cat is mirthless. Cat is happy happy, joy joy. Cat is not sure why, as a modern domesticated animal, I still have a freaking dewclaw. Cat is OK, bitches, I know what WikiAnswers says, but “vestigial digit” doesn’t answer the question. Cat is mouse behind the washing machine = dead mouse behind the washing machine! Cat is aha moments can suck it. Cat is loving the new season of NOTHING ON TV. Cat is enough is enough. Cat is crinkly things: I’m a big fan! Cat is hankering for some sea kitten sticks. Cat is might have more to drink, might not. Until you see the pink of my tongue hit the husk of the water, consider the matter still up in the air. Cat is WTF?
Dog is psyched. Dog is superpsyched. Dog is Marley Marley Marley ME ME ME! Dog is I love you, short ribs left on the table when the house caught on fire and everyone left except me because I know a controlled closet burn when I see one. Dog is happy stretch. Dog is wondering why the neighbor thinks we can’t see him when bare winter trees are such an obvious concomitant to voyeurism. Dog is soooooooooooooo not hypoallergenic. Dog is dog is dog IS. Dog is your crotch smells awesome. Dog is YOU know who you are. Dog is I want hammer pants. I could crap inside hammer pants and no one would ever know. Dog is your crotch.
Alpaca is dreaming of a bowl-legged hembra. Alpaca is something smells like poop. Alpaca is LOL! Farmer Bruce’s septic system flooded the yard and it’s covered in condoms! Someone’s been flushing the statutory-rape evidence, ahem, little Kimmie and neighbor boy. Alpaca is tickled by spring rain. Alpaca is experiencing a serious object-permanence set-back. Alpaca is tuckered out from all the cud-chewing. Alpaca is just solved the Alpaca Theorem of In-All-Likelihood: if everybody else looks like an extra-terrestrial freak when they get shorn, so do I. Alpaca wants to be a tattoo artist when I grow up. Alpaca is going to practice first with markers. Alpaca is $20,000 fleece and permanent markers don’t mix. Alpaca is Doh!
Snail is d … o … n … t …. b … e … l … i … e … v … e …. t … h … e .… h … y … p … e.
Giant Squid is not joking. Giant Squid is it’s freaky sh-t down here! Giant Squid is craving fennel. Just kidding! Giant Squid is sick of being confused with an octopus. Giant Squid is over it. Giant Squid is letting it go. Giant Squid is for the last time, marine biology geeks, I will not be observed live in the wild. (If I had a sperm whale for every time I’ve received that request!) Giant Squid is you wanna know how my reproductive cycle works? Ask my boyfriend! Giant Squid is sick of all your fakey smiley dancey wedding photos. Giant Squid is whoever is sending me all those copies of 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea, quit it. It wasn’t funny the first time. Giant Squid is forgot my Snapfish password. Giant Squid is cookiechumper hunting for Auntie KK. Giant Squid is that’s right, you heard me. Giant Squid is I’ll show you elusive. Giant Squid is that was so freaky! I thought someone tapped me on the mantle just now. It was me!
Chloe Shaw is at work on her first novel. She lives in a small town along the Connecticut coast with her husband, son, two cats and two dogs. Chloe can be reached at her website www.cardivore.blogspot.com, through which she sells handmade note cards to raise money for homeless animals.