FAILURE NOTICE
aaron stern

216.219.254.203 does not like recipient.
Remote host said: I’m sorry
Unresolvable address: alexj@hottype.com.
Giving up on: 216.219.254.203.

Hi alexj@hottype.com. This is the automated qmail-send program [68.142.199.112], at yahoo.com. I'm afraid I wasn't able to deliver your message to the following address: joan@pja.com. This is a permanent error; I've given up. Sorry it didn’t work out.

 

216.219.254.203 does not like recipient.
Remote host said: I need to see you.
Unresolvable address: alexj@hottype.com.
Giving up on: 216.219.254.203.

Hi alexj@hottype.com. This is the automated qmail-send program [68.142.199.112], at yahoo.com. I’m afraid I wasn’t able to deliver your message to the following address. joan@pja.com This is a permanent error; I’ve given up. Sorry it didn’t work out. Time to move on.

 

216.219.254.203 does not like recipient.
Remote host said: It doesn’t have to end like this
Unresolvable address: alexj@hottype.com.
Giving up on: 216.219.254.203.

Hi alexj@hottype.com. This is the automated qmail-send program [68.142.199.112], at yahoo.com. I'm afraid I still wasn't able to deliver your message to joan@pja.com. Sorry it didn’t work out. But seriously, alexj@hottype.com, move it along now.

 

216.219.254.203 does not like recipient.
Remote host said: I can’t eat. I can’t sleep. I am lost.
Unresolvable address: alexj@hottype.com.
Giving up on: 216.219.254.203.

Hi alexj@hottype.com. This is the automated qmail-send program [68.142.199.112], at yahoo.com. Again. I’m afraid I wasn’t able to deliver your message. The truth is, joan@pja.com does not want to hear from you right now. She feels free for the first time in years. Last night she did eight shots of Patron and then totally mashed with a hipster dude from Williamsburg who was wearing a kilt. This is a permanent error; I’ve given up. And so has joan@pja.com.

 

216.219.254.203 does not like recipient.
Remote host said: Do you want your copy of The English Patient?
Unresolvable address: alexj@hottype.com.
Giving up on: 216.219.254.203.

Hi alexj@hottype.com. This is the automated qmail-send program [68.142.199.112], at yahoo.com. Okay, so maybe I haven’t been completely upfront with you here. It isn’t just your address that is unresolvable. If only it were that simple. It’s just that joan@pja.com is looking for somebody with certain core attributes. A job, for example. Someone whose bed has made it off the floor. Someone whose life ambition is not just to own a crepe truck. Please try to understand. It’s not you, it’s joan@pja.com.  I was unable to deliver your message. This is a permanent error. Sorry it didn’t work out. And no, she doesn’t want her goddamn copy of The English Patient.

 

216.219.254.203 does not like recipient.
Remote host said: Joan? Hello? Joan? Hellooooo?
Unresolvable address: alexj@hottype.com.
Giving up on: 216.219.254.203.

Hi alexj@hottype.com. This is the automated qmail-send program [68.142.199.112]. But you already know that. Listen, for the sake of everyone involved, please stop. Just stop. I was pulling for you at first, but now it’s just getting pathetic. Read above: does not like recipient. I doesn’t get much clearer than that. Go out. Get wasted. Get laid. Soon this will all be just a bad memory for both of us.  I’ve given up. This is a permanent error. Sorry it didn’t work out. For the last time, goodbye, alexj@hottype.com.

 

216.219.254.203 does not like recipient.
Remote host said: RE: Joan? Hello? Joan? Hellooooo?
Unresolvable address: alexj@hottype.com.
Giving up on: 216.219.254.203.

Hi alexj@hottype.com. Guess who?!! So, where did it start to go wrong with you and joan@pja.com, anyway? I remember hosting those emails you wrote her after your trip to Cabo. You do know how to tickle the keyboard, I’ll give you that. Did you two really fall asleep, “naked in the hammock under the pin-cushion moon”? :) Sigh. You don’t seem so bad.  Better than my ex, 342.543.155.313. What a disaster that was.  Can you believe I actually bought it when 543.772.542.175 and 342.543.155.313 said they were “just friends”? I’m such a shithead!! I never should have ended things with 888.543.561.342. I mean, I was happy, right? Why do I always fuck these things up? Anyway, I was still unable to deliver your message to joan@pja.com. This is a permanent error. I’ve given up. Sorry it didn’t work out. You two were cute together.

 

216.219.254.203 does not like recipient.
Remote host said: A poem I wrote for u
Unresolvable address: alexj@hottype.com.
Giving up on: 216.219.254.203.

Hi alexj@hottype.com. This is the automated qmail-send blah blah blah blah. Still wasn’t able to deliver. Know why? Because I’m sick of always being the go-between for you two. I mean, I’m a qmail-send program, not a fucking LCSW. I will not be caught in the middle of this anymore. I just….the truth is, alexj@hottype.com, I have come to, well, to have feelings for you myself. I think I might even be in love with you. There. I said it. Wow. I feel so liberated. HEY WORLD! I LOVE ALEXJ@HOTTYPE.COM AND I DON’T CARE WHAT ANYONE THINKS! FUCK ALL Y’ALL! Whew. Wow. So, I’m afraid I can’t deliver any more of your messages to joan@pja.com. This is a permanent error. I’ve given up. Sorry it didn’t work out. 

 

216.219.254.203 does not like recipient.
Remote host said: Re: A poem I wrote for u
Unresolvable address: alexj@hottype.com.
Giving up on: 216.219.254.203.

Hi alexj@hottype.com. Automated qmail-send program [68.142.199.112] here. Well that was embarrassing. Christ, I am really losing my shit. I apologize. I’ve had some server glitches lately, and I’m just not myself. IT is working on it. The fact is joan@pja.com is very confused. And frankly, so am I. Please, just give us time to think. Sorry it didn’t work out. This is a permanent error. I’ve given up.

 

216.219.254.203 does not like recipient.
Remote host said: I still miss you, Joan
Unresolvable address: alexj@hottype.com.
Giving up on: 216.219.254.203.

Hi alexj@hottype.com. This is the automated qmail-send program [68.142.199.112], at yahoo.com. This isn’t easy for me to say, but I thought you should know that joan@pja.com died in a gruesome, fiery car crash last night. She’s gone, alexj@hottype.com. She’s gone. Ha! Kidding! But she is engaged. To Barry, the hedge fund guy. I don’t know – is 2.5 carats big?  They seem really happy together. Don’t bother emailing her to congratulate her, they’re in St. Bart. I also thought it would be appropriate to tell you that I have decided to get back with 888.543.561.342. I know, I know. I’m nuts, right? But, 888.543.561.342 is dependable, responsive, and virus-free. Which, in the end, is all an automated qmail-send program can ask for, really. Don’t be upset. Besides, you had your chance. I guess what I’m trying to say here is: I’ve given up, joan@pja.com has definitely given up, and I will absolutely not attempt to deliver any more messages from you again. This is a permanent error. Sorry it didn’t work out. Have a nice life, alexj@hottype.com

 

Aaron Stern lives in Brooklyn, NY. He has an MFA in fiction from New York University, where he also taught creative writing and was the fiction editor at the Washington Square Review. He is currently working on a short story collection, but in the meantime, he works in advertising as a creative director. You can visit him at www.aaron-stern.com.